Sometimes the environment feels like an intrusion. Anonymity is appealing.
It’s like…if it can sense me, maybe I won’t sense it.
Sometimes I want only to experience myself. My own energy, my own voice, my own thoughts and my own feelings.
I need silence to hear myself, clearly.
The day I’m writing this, December 27th, is my birthday, and I am spending most of it alone. Precisely what I want. I really wanted to spend Christmas alone too, but I resisted the deep inner feeling which tells me when something is true for me. And so I had a bunch of plans. I’m okay with it.
It’s easier to concentrate. On doing work. To monitor my own thoughts. To focus, and feel. To feel all those things.
But why did I want to be alone this Christmas and birthday?
I felt less obligated. I felt more empowered doing what is true for me. And I didn’t want to spend my energy with others. I want to spend it with me.
Because I didn’t want any more distractions. I distract myself all the time. There’s stuff in there I don’t want to deal with.
I don’t want to though, not today. Drown myself out. I do want to watch Broad City (yet again), but I want to do it later, after I have listened to myself for a while. Let Abbi & Ilana be the candle on my cake.
As this shift happened on my birthday, I am going to take it as a habitual rebirth, and see that many more days go by with less and less time spent ignoring myself with a bombardment of noises and procrastination.