The Wondrous Joy of Being Alone

Sometimes the environment feels like an intrusion. Anonymity is appealing.

It’s like…if it can sense me, maybe I won’t sense it.

Sometimes I want only to experience myself. My own energy, my own voice, my own thoughts and my own feelings.

I need silence to hear myself, clearly.

The day I’m writing this, December 27th, is my birthday, and I am spending  most of it alone. Precisely what I want. I really wanted to spend Christmas alone too, but I resisted the deep inner feeling which tells me when something is true for me. And so I had a bunch of plans. I’m okay with it.

It’s easier to concentrate. On doing work. To monitor my own thoughts. To focus, and feel. To feel all those things.

But why did I want to be alone this Christmas and birthday?

I felt less obligated. I felt more empowered doing what is true for me. And I didn’t want to spend my energy with others. I want to spend it with me.

Because I didn’t want any more distractions. I distract myself all the time. There’s stuff in there I don’t want to deal with.

I don’t want to though, not today. Drown myself out. I do want to watch Broad City (yet again), but I want to do it later, after I have listened to myself for a while. Let Abbi & Ilana be the candle on my cake.

As this shift happened on my birthday, I am going to take it as a habitual rebirth, and see that many more days go by with less and less time spent ignoring myself with a bombardment of noises and procrastination.


Kon Mari-ing -ish

I have wanted to de-clutter my little space for a while. This winter break from work and graduate school I decided, rather impulsively as I recall, to Kon Mari. Google brought me to a tidy little article from Dr. Northrup. I followed her steps, and took time to visualize and write in my journal for step numbers two and three. This is what I got when I started writing in my journal:

Visualize Destination

Now that I have begun clearing & indeed cleared away quite a bit of my inside, I want my outside to reflect the lightness and airiness I feel. I also want to create more space for manifesting things I want & that are a clearer representation of myself. Lastly, I want to continue the energy of clearing and do self-work.


I want to reflect the lightness I feel inside

So that I am surrounded and continuously inspired by it and it endlessly reflected back to me, creating a never-ending loop of feedback from myself to myself.

To feel at home at home.

So that it serves as a reminder.

To be grounded in my origins.

Create more space for manifesting things I want, & things that are a more accurate reflection of myself

To decorate with simpler, more colorful and beautiful and more…spiritual art, creations and plants.

To have my home feel more like myself.

To feel accurately reflected in what I see.

To surround myself with things I love and that have meaning, not just impulse purchases.

Continue the energy of clearing and self work

Because it is a necessary and continual process. It should be a habit, a practice and a joy.

To find myself more.

To feel more love and joy and lightness.

To create something new.

I have not read nor really plan to read the actual Kon Mari method book, and I guess that makes me some half-assing Spiritualism asshole, and I’m okay with that. I embrace the asshole. In the words of The Immortal Bart:


In the process, I had to stop and breathe often. I did this to remind myself that whatever answer comes to me through my body first is the right one. It takes practice to feel primarily.

Interesting that joy was not overwhelmingly strong or obvious. At least not all the time. I have decided this means I need more of it to familiarize and become clear on what joy is, and what a joy-based yes and a no are for me. What they feel like in my body. I talked about this a week and a half ago with my coach Arielle.

I ended up going through the Joy pile a second time, when returning clothes to the locations. Through doing this I added more to the No Joy pile and also a “meh, I’m not sure, feel mixed energy” pile.

I later learned from a Kon Mari YouTube video that if you feel…confusion about the item, that can be taken as a sign that it does not spark joy.

Oh, and a “needs tailoring” pile. Please tell me if you know a good tailor ’round these [DC] parts. Thaaanks.

I also noticed that a lot of the things I put in the No Joy pile, either the first or second time around, were items that, though I feel a strong affinity for the color or design, I know are uncomfortable, kind of ugly [well worn, pilling], or just do not fit well. Throwing them in the No Joy pile felt more like a release. Some clothes that fit into the former category were also clothes that I felt resistance to letting go because I recently purchased them.

I suppose that is part of what a no feels like for me.

I was more attached to the idea of those clothes than the clothes themselves. And I think along with that, a mentality that I had to hang onto them for X quality, even though all the other properties of the piece suck. And, additionally, the idea that I *have* or *should* keep them because I don’t have money to buy or will never find a replacement, etc., etc.

Which is bullshit. Silly, ridiculous, unrealistic idea, haha. It just seems absurd now that it’s articulated. Never in my life have I *ever* gone without buying clothes. I fucking love clothes.

Part of my plan for this is to replace the poorer quality pieces with fewer, more versatile, and better quality items, and create a capsule or two for different seasons/occasions. Gradually. Luckily, as I went through the piles I realized I have quite a few pieces that have been worn so few times or held up well enough that I can sell them. Yay me!

Next I am going Kon Mari underwear & accessories [including shoes]; textiles, then books; papers, and lastly, miscellaneous.

I am also going to say thank you and goodbye to the No Joy items when I sort them for donating or selling. I learned this from a YouTube Kon Mari Video.

Lastly, I feel it is really important to adhere to the phrase “spark joy”. I think it is succinct summation of the feeling and effect you are looking for you items to give you.